Thursday, January 9, 2014

A Eulogy: Le Café De Le’scalier

Le Café De Le’scalier

9:20 AM

Harold Miner is behind the counter. He fills Suzy E’s mug – on the house. She’s passed out cold, face down at the bar. Been there since last night. Her shoes are missing. But she’s covered in gold.

Daisy strolls in for a bagel.  Humming melodies that haven’t been released yet. She takes all the pennies from the take-a-penny, leave-a-penny-jar. Her walk preaches
Grace Kelly is making faces out of her waffles and grotesquely eating them and laughing by herself. 

Jern Hayes strums a guitar out front. Tourists stop to listen to his Parisian tongue and wonder about his lyrics and what inspirers them. Mort Rainy is beside him, swaying her head and creating sidewalk chalk. They could date and he’d run out of lyrics because her tongue spills too much but also too much right. 

Paul Varjak awkwardly shuffles around Jern’s crowd to get through the door. Avoids eye contact with Grace, they’ve had history. He’s about to try the day’s special, but goes for a coffee. H. Miner isn’t surprised. 

Pages are flying and Sky Trillion is lost in a book. She’s got her bagel, and her shit put together. Sasha doesn’t have her shit together but is still the shit and also watches  Paul hit on Sky a few booths away.  He makes a pessimistic comment about her book and how he “didn’t expect a girl with a pretty face to be reading Fitzgerald” and invites himself to sit down. Sky blushes.  Sasha laughs.

Grace makes note: tools strive to exist even in top buttons.

I’m Hazel and I’d date Jern Hayes. I’m Hazel and I read John Green. I’m Hazel and I love Carmel Vanilla Bean Frappuccino’s. I’m Hazel I’m too hung up on my heart. Sick of my style, the spaghetti I make, I’ve been sick for awhile.

And Paul isn’t much better at communicating or Poker either. He’s way too intrapersonal. He’s lazy, and doesn’t know adventure even as it haunts his midnight door pounds. 

He’s been in love her since the 9th grade and didn’t kiss her until he was 22. His eyes are too stubborn to change and too vulnerable for love. He’s a softie, got no sense of dream, but a whole lot of wonder.

He’s a realist and uses chopsticks. His British accent sucks but he has French Rosetta Stone. Has he tried it? No. He holds way too much in, but rubs his jaw and will wrench your heart if he wants his words to tear you.

He reads Hemmingway. Has scruff, not for style, he slept in. He laughs at so many things and somehow impossibly at hardly anything. I hate him. I’m quite skeptical but also have anxiety over him. I want to throw him out but keep his dreams because they’re mine and they're all I’m sure of. Thanks for letting me create Paul mid-semester because Hazel is too much myself.

Lol to all you suckas who thought Paul was a hot hipster you had a chance with and sorry Sky Trillion for flirting with you behind Paul I thought I was funny

In a minute…

Tara Johnson


  1. I LOVE THIS. even the part about me being a drunk with no shoes because hey who doesn't love free drinks and being covered in gold, right?

    and also i loved paul's blog. good one.

  2. Woah. I kind of loved this whole thing.
    Different. And unexpected.

    You are a very brilliant individual. And so is Paul.
    Can't believe that was you too. That's awesome!

    You're blog was always a favorite. Don't stop writing. You're gifted.

    And thanks for the part about me. It kinda made more than just my day. :)

  3. TOO DANG GOOD and I love all your shiz and I love you and Paul and oh my everyone and Paris and
    "She takes all the pennies from the take-a-penny, leave-a-penny-jar."
    Yes. What a brilliant post.
    Sky Trillion does not have it together.
    But she's all about bagels.

  4. Screw you tara I fell in love with Paul!!!!!

    But I appreciate the reference about my waffle eating and boys are "tools" thinking. I'm going to miss Hazel Grace... And all our infinites ;)

    1. This is so great! hahaha I think we all kinda did! I was so sad to find out it was actually Tara....not that it still wasn't incredible!! Props to you Tara for doing two blogs! So so so good!

  5. Screw you tara I fell in love with Paul!!!!!

    But I appreciate the reference about my waffle eating and boys are "tools" thinking. I'm going to miss Hazel Grace... And all our infinites ;)

  6. Somebody thinks I am the shit and that is all I care about. This seems like the only appropriate way to end this class. I loved this post and your blog(s) ?? actually you know what the fact that I am even in this post is amazing so thank you

  7. All I have to say, because I'm more or less speechless right now, is that I thoroughly loved both blogs and am fascinated that you pulled that off. Love your writing.

  8. i'm mad at myself because i'm just now reading this and its been up for almost 3 weeks now. but gosh this is soooo good. i loved it. would've liked it more if i was mentioned in it...hahaha just kidding. but really please don't stop writing. its TOO. DAMN. GOOD.

  9. I just barely read this and truthfully I am caught off guard being a lowly junior but at the same time the post is so real and so true, and it worked rather flawlessly and I miss creative writing and I miss being unknown and I miss wondering who you were, and I miss a lot of things that are out of reach, and frankly sometimes writing just helps.

    And it did.

    So thanks.

    1. I just found out you were a junior, I'm impressed. I thought all juniors were $%@* and would never understand things like Paris, but there seems to exceptions to everything I think I know. And I miss your missings too.

  10. This blog post was so good. Shit "good" isn't good enough of an adjective to describe it, but I'll get better at posting comments by the end of the semester, I hope. I love how you envisioned a scene with a bunch of the other writers in the class. I kind of want to steal this idea for the end of semester if that's okay with you.